Extrait de Smart Women Foolish Choices finding the right men avoiding the wrong ones by Dr. Connell Cowan and Dr. Melvyn Kinder - en direct de cerveaux de marsiens, quoi. Ça ne peut pas faire de tort de savoir ce qui se passe là-dedans.
C'est un assez vieux bouquin qui date d'autour de 1985 et je dois avouer que j'ai commencé à le lire uniquement pour les histoires de cas cliniques, qui sont une sorte de télé réalité, sans la télé et avec de la réalité (parce que la réalité arrangée ''avec le gars de vues'' de la TR, hein...pas capable!). Mais finalement, j'ai commencé à le prendre plus au sérieux, parce que ça parle plus de qualité relationnelle entre hommes et femmes que d'autres choses.
''Ron, an insurance adjuster, talks about the reactions he had to Ginny, a co-worker he dated briefly. ''I don't know exactly what turned me off to her. I really liked her. Ginny is friendly and outgoing and attractive. I think maybe it's that she tries a little too hard. When we went out a few times, to the movies or for dinner, she acted so grateful. She kept asking if she was dressed right and really pushed me into bed with her the second date. Now when I see her coming, I find myself kind of hunching my shoulders and physically recoiling, and all she's doing is being friendly!''
Although Ron may not fully understand his reaction to Ginny, he is recoiling from her intense emotional needs.
Women who come across as starving for love scare the hell out of men. And the longer such women are deprived of love, then hungrier they get. If these women weren't so desperate, men would be more readily inclined to love them. It may sound as if we are saying. ''Don't be so hungry!'' to a straving person. That's pretty ludicrous, and we don't mean that. Desperation is a symptom of low self-esteem and pessimism about one's lovability. The only lasting solution is for a woman to develop trust in her own worthiness, and to transform her self-image so that she can perceive herself as a person worhty of being loved. The desperate woman looks to others to validate her worth. She foolishly thinks that the ''right'' man will be the solution to her feelings of incompletteness. Not only is the right man not a solution, but when this woman acts accroding to these feelings she's bound to drive men away.''
Et les bons docteurs de prescrire :
The first step for women (...) is recognizing and accepting that their hunger may be out of control, then learning to contain it - not deny or suppress it, but contain it. The key to do this is to become more self-confident and allow relationships to unfold gradually and mutually (...).
The containment of emotional hunger is not an easy task. It requires continued faith that success, and thus enhanced self-esteem, will certainly follow - and it does. In fact, the very decision to look elsewhere for ways of bolstering one's confidence acts to contain and diminish desperation.
Dependency needs get both women and men into trouble, primarily when they attempt to deny them. It is then that they manifest themselves as self-defeating and inappropriate behavior. As a relationship deepens, needs and insecurities should be talked about and healthily satisfied through an easy give-and-take (...).''
Plus haut, ils mentionnaient qu'il est normal de désirer parfois se sentir validés, confortés, réconfortés, ''taken care of'' par l'autre et de sentir que l'on peut s'appuyer sur son partenaire de vie, que l'on soit homme ou femme. Mais ici, ils parlent d'une ''faim'' qui n'a pas été comblée depuis longtemps et qui peut parfois être accompagnée d'un désir inconscient d'être pris en charge par son partenaire de vie.
Ils disent désirs inconscients parce que dans leur définition de la ''smart woman'' ils incluent en partant qu'elle n'a pas l'intention consciente de se faire prendre en charge par quiconque, mais bien d'être de vouloir consciemment être une adulte autonome psychologiquement.
Ce qui me va, à moi, la smatte qui a un besoin viscéral d'autonomie à tout points de vue.
Le prochain chapitre promet : How Men Respond to Power in Women.
